Crying in the wilderness

I need something good to happen.

I just got assigned a child support payment two days after finding out that a job I was promised will not be materializing.

I'm supporting two people, two dogs, and part of my kid, and I have no idea how I am going to continue to do that for very long.

Tomorrow I file for unemployment.

This is not what I dreamed.

I even pray sometimes, in tiny shameful breaths.  Just "help", usually.  "Help me, God.", sometimes.  I have yet to notice any good news so far.

I'm going to have to do this myself.  Why is it so hard to get that notion through my head?  It seems to be difficult to have faith in my ability to solve my problems.  But that is the only thing that seems to help.  Well, the only thing in my control, anyway.

I control only myself directly.  I must practice controlling other things *through* myself.  That is, practice using the control I naturally have over myself to assert an intended effect on my environment.  That such a thing is possible, I can believe.  That's a start.

I can control my environment.  But to what extent?  That seems likely to be something that comes with practice.

I can control what goes out of my email account, for example.  I can send resumes and issue other correspondence that is clearly a necessary requisite to receiving job offers.  The telephone as well.

Where to send the emails, and *what* to send?  Learning that is only somewhat under my direct control, as I cannot watch and learn every possible opening or need a company may have.  But any work I do in that vein will increase my exposure, which seems vital to a successful process.

This seems clear and obvious enough once stated, but it is necessary for me to take my mind down this path.  Down all the paths that I may have walked before, but that don't stick until I wear them bare, making them easy to walk the next time.

I need to keep reminding myself of the power I *do* have.  In thought and in deed.

Amen.